Julie Starr on Mentoring and Coaching: Secrets of a Successful Career

In this interview, Julie Starr – executive coach, mentor and bestselling author – shares the differences between mentoring and coaching, the qualities of an effective mentor, and the principles behind a successful career.

Julie Starr is an executive coach, mentor, author, and speaker. She works with organizations and individuals, helping them clarify their purpose and remove obstacles standing in the way of progress. Driven by the intention to unlock people’s full potential, her approach is both challenging and compassionate. Her books on this topic have become bestsellers, specifically The Coaching Manual and Brilliant Coaching.

Julie Starr is also a dedicated advocate of mentoring, and in Romania, her book Manual de mentorat: un ghid pas cu pas pentru a fi un mentor mai bun / The Mentoring Manual: Your Step by Step Guide to Being a Better Mentor has been published. This book is aimed at anyone who wants to become a mentor, as well as those who have never dared to aspire to such a role, unsure if they have the necessary qualities. The book reveals: the qualities you need to become a mentor, the essential methods of mentoring, and how to apply them to typical mentoring scenarios.

We spoke with her to learn more about the secrets of mentoring and building a successful career.

C&B:What inspired you to write The Mentoring Manual?

Julie Starr: I wanted to create a clearer distinction between mentoring and coaching. Too often, the two roles are blurred together, yet in their purest forms they are different. Mentoring is not the same as coaching, managing, or consulting — it’s a unique kind of one-to-one relationship.

A common misconception is that mentors advise while coaches ask questions — in other words, the mentor is directive while the coach is less so. But that’s not true. Both roles can be directive or non-directive depending on the situation.

Another issue is that many books cover both mentoring and coaching at once, which only deepens the confusion. I wanted to return mentoring to its roots: an ancient, archetypal role that has shaped people’s lives for centuries. When a mentor operates from that deep, archetypal energy, that’s when real transformation takes place.

C&B: In your experience, what are the mistakes new mentors tend to make?

Julie Starr: Most mistakes happen at the beginning — during preparation or the early stages — but they don’t reveal themselves until later. After what I call the ‘honeymoon stage,’ when the novelty fades and conversations start to feel routine, the real challenge appears: how to support someone without slipping into forceful advice-giving or problem-solving.

New mentors often fall back on what they know. If the mentor is also a manager, for example, it’s tempting to approach mentoring like performance management: “Here’s what I need you to do.” That approach might work in management, but it undermines the intentions of mentoring.

In reality, the problem often starts much earlier, when the mentor hasn’t developed the awareness or skills to handle the later, more demanding phases of the relationship.

C&B: What makes an effective mentor?

Julie Starr: In The Mentoring Manual, I outline five qualities that stand out: The ability to connect — for instance, through deep and attentive listening; The ability to build trust and genuine engagement; The ability to keep focus; The ability to help someone move past false limits or roadblocks; The ability to foster growth. Of these, the fifth is the most important. True mentoring is about growth in the broadest sense — beliefs, values, behaviours, mindset — not just short-term skills or results.

C&B: How would you define a healthy, balanced mentor–mentee relationship?

Julie Starr: At its core, it’s an exchange of benevolence and respect. From the mentor, there must be benevolence: generosity, compassion, patience. A mentor must accept that they don’t have direct authority over the other person’s choices. That often means standing back, watching someone learn through mistakes, and resisting the urge to fix things.

From the mentee, there must be respect. Respect opens the door to being influenced by someone else. It’s this combination — benevolence from the mentor and respect from the mentee — that makes the relationship effective and lasting.

C&B: Is there an exercise you’d recommend even for those who don’t plan to become mentors?

Julie Starr: Absolutely. I suggest a simple but powerful reflection exercise:

Step 1: Identify your mentors. Write down the names of people who have had a positive impact on you — shaping your development, mindset, or outlook. It could be a teacher, a family friend, a coach, or someone you met in a community or sports club. Parents are important too, of course, but look for those other, naturally occurring relationships that helped you grow.

Step 2: Reflect on their influence. Think about how each person shaped you. Did they spark an interest? Nurture a talent? Help you see the world differently? These are the relationships that often leave the deepest imprint.

Step 3: Consider your own role. Now think about where you might play this role for others. It could be nieces, nephews, younger colleagues, or people in your community. You may not always recognise it, but your influence often reaches far beyond the roles you’re formally known for.

#Coaching

C&B: What inspired you to write The Coaching Manual, and how has your understanding of coaching evolved since the first edition?

Julie Starr: I wrote The Coaching Manual because I wanted to create the book that was missing when I first entered the field. I wanted to write something that gave people direct access to the principles, process, skills, beliefs, and mindset of coaching. I was disappointed, I suppose, with the more conceptual books I could find at the time. I also wanted to welcome people into the field—to be encouraging and to support their journey into becoming a coach.

C&B: In your view, what are the core principles that make coaching truly effective?

Julie Starr: There are several! One core principle for any coach is that we intend to serve, humble ourselves, and be willing to embark on a journey of self-discovery and self-inquiry to remove those aspects of our behaviour, conditioning, or character that inhibit our ability to become a truly great coach.

To coach effectively, we must be able to ‘get ourselves out of the way’ in conversation. To achieve that, our thoughts, beliefs, and unconscious tendencies must be decluttered over time. For example, in conversation, some of us want to fix, to help, or to hear ourselves talk— to be seen as adding value in a conversation. There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of those behaviours; it’s simply that they can interfere with creating the spaciousness necessary for effective inquiry.

C&B: You describe coaching as a way to unlock potential, rather than direct or advise. Why is this distinction so important?

Julie Starr: The power and magic of coaching lies in conversations of inquiry, which means we go deeper, to uncover someone’s unconscious awareness, inner thoughts and buried insight. This is all hidden beneath the noise, chatter, and clutter of everyday life. If what we do as coaches is always direct or advise, we’re simply piling more thoughts, more options and more information onto a situation that might already be overwhelmed.

C&B: What are the most common mistakes new coaches make, and how can they avoid them?

Julie Starr: A common mistake is what I call ‘efforting’—for example, in conversation, they talk too much, and work too hard, perhaps as they have a strong intention to ‘be a great coach’. Instead we must learn to relax, lean back, and focus on listening, and allow effective questions to surface from the present moment. This is why self-awareness is key; if you’re not aware that you’re talking too much or working too hard in a conversation, how can you manage yourself in that moment? How can you remember to take a breath, to lean back and relax?

C&B: How would you describe a great coach in just three words?

Julie Starr: Intentional. Focused. Compassionate.

C&B: Your approach is said to be both challenging and compassionate. How do you maintain that balance during a difficult coaching session?

Julie Starr: This is a tricky one for me to identify exactly, since some of this process is more sense-based than logic-based. For example, over time, I’ve learned to use my body as a navigational tool: to remain embodied and not to disappear into my head. From here, I can get a sense of where to go in the conversation. There is great strength in a willingness to speak the truth with compassion, and many experienced coaches have this. An experienced coach will likely acknowledge that sometimes they’re working from a felt sense in the body as much as from the thoughts in our mind. This is access to intuition.

To maintain a healthy balance between challenge and compassion, I check in regularly to ensure I’m not being too challenging, that what I’m saying can be heard (rather than blocked or distorted) and that I’m communicating from an aligned, heartfelt place. That might sound more mystical than it is—in practice, it’s quite simple. I need to stay grounded, stay embodied, and continually check that my tone feels appropriate. Of course, I’m also observing visual cues: how the individual appears to be reacting. When things get difficult, it’s important to give people time to process. Sometimes, silence helps with that.

C&B: What role does self-awareness play in a coach’s own development?

Julie Starr: Self-awareness is an ongoing journey for any coach—something that must be developed, increased, and maintained. That’s why the practice of staying present is so important. It helps us stay attuned both to what’s going on within ourselves and what’s happening with the person we’re speaking with.

C&B: You emphasize the importance of listening in coaching. How does ‘deep listening’ differ from ordinary conversation?

Julie Starr: Deep listening is an effective blend of intention and attention. It’s very different from surface-level or casual listening. In deep listening, we stay fully present. We hold a strong intention to understand the other person and actively demonstrate that through our attention. Like many of the core coaching skills, effective listening is a valuable life skill. We should teach listening in schools (imagine!).

C&B: Many people struggle with the idea of “not giving advice” as a coach. How do you guide them through this mindset shift?

Julie Starr: This idea of not giving advice is something many coaches never quite grasp. They never develop the ability to remain in inquiry—to ask great questions, to summarise and observe before offering guidance.  It means that coaching mastery is not a level that same coach can ever reach. If we don’t build this skill, we will struggle to avoid defaulting to advice-giving—because that’s what we’re used to (and comfortable with).

The mindset shift often happens when coaches experience the freedom that comes from not giving advice—and see how powerful that can be, both for themselves and the client. Sometimes it’s a question of self-awareness (how much we tend to talk or advise), and sometimes it’s about skill—having the tools and strategies to do something different. Ultimately, it’s skills plus experience that help us move beyond the impulse to give advice.

C&B: In The Coaching Manual, you offer a structured coaching model. How can coaches use it without becoming too rigid or mechanical?

Julie Starr: The Coaching Path is a flexible structure encompassing the basic stages of an effective coaching conversation. Because the stages within The Coaching Path are domains of purpose—to inquire, to understand, to shape agreements, etc.—there is built-in flexibility within the model.

I developed The Coaching Path after becoming irritated with the mechanical, sometimes formulaic nature of other coaching models based on acronyms, which became ‘checkboxes’. I wanted to offer freedom for coaches to explore the stages of a conversation gently, without being constrained by them.

C&B: You often speak about removing obstacles to progress. What kinds of internal blocks do you see most often in clients?

Julie Starr: Obstacles can be internal and external. Internal obstacles include self-perception, beliefs, values, and worldview. For example, in a tough situation, clients are often living in a story of perception about that. They tell a convincing story about their lives or challenges, completely constrained by a limited sense of possibility. A trap for any novice coach is to accept that lack of possibility as ‘true’ – which means they don’t believe that things can change or improve either.

A great coaching conversation expands someone’s sense of what’s possible. That’s often the beginning of meaningful change.

Of course, some obstacles may be more external practical (e.g., habits or routines), but at the level of coaching mastery, most obstacles are internal.

C&B: How do cultural differences influence coaching relationships, and what should a coach be mindful of in cross-cultural settings?

Julie Starr: Cultural differences demand self-awareness and an awareness of others.  For example, we must be aware of our unconscious assumptions and demonstrate respect for alternative views. This awareness must be blended with a sense of respect and equality towards others. When people sense that you respect them and see them as equals, any cultural misunderstandings can often be minimised—or even ignored entirely—because mutual respect carries the rapport beyond any minor misunderstandings.

C&B: If a client shows signs of low confidence or self-doubt, what is the most effective coaching response?

Julie Starr: When someone is experiencing low confidence or self-doubt, the best response depends on the capacity of that individual, in that moment. Sometimes, encouragement, belief in them, and helping them explore limiting beliefs or fears can be enough.

But if someone is deeply affected by low confidence, our positive intentions of upbeat optimism can backfire. In those cases, it’s important to stay with them, understand their process, and support them in a way that is appropriate in the moment.

C&B: Looking to the future, how do you see the field of coaching evolving, especially in fast-changing workplaces?

Julie Starr: To name the elephant in the room: AI is advancing and can now handle some of the simpler aspects of people’s coaching needs. But AI will never replace the human element in coaching. There is so much occurring in a conversation that cannot be explained or replicated. The human system of communication, includes the energy between people, the subtle cues (verbal, non-verbal, tonal, facial expressions)—most of this lies outside AI’s reach. Indeed, some of it even lies beyond our ability to understand. That’s where the true magic of coaching exists—in the intangible, inexplicable moments of transformation. It’s why, after more than 25 years in the field, I’m still excited by these conversations, still passionate about this work. Where the world becomes ever more complex and the challenges we face feel different from anything previously encountered, one-to-one coaching support has an essential role to facilitate enquiry, insight, and understanding. In conclusion, looking ahead, I believe the future of coaching is very bright indeed.